I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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