New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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