theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
