Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
