READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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