just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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