i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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