Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
