I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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