so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
