Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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