If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
