I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You pole danced in your parka.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
