I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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