I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
