i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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