And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
