Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
