you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
