I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
