His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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