My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
