My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
