I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
