She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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