and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
