i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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