There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I smell like Dick and happiness
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