I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
