I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
