dude i'm inner monologue high
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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