whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
