saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
