i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
