I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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