you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
