i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He shit in the fireplace
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
