Old men and throwing up are my life now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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