I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
