I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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