i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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