Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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