Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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