He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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