I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
