I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
