Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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