please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
