my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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