it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
